How to Survive a LDR: Hockey Girlfriend Edition

Guest post written by: Peyton - @p_townn33 on twitter

I still remember the first time I saw him. I had dropped my honors chem class and transferred into regular chemistry three days into sophomore year. There he was in the second to last row of the classroom, he caught my eye because I didn’t recognize him but immediately I knew that he was one of those hockey players I had been hearing about. And wow he was cute. Then by some miracle I got assigned to the table behind his. “Can I borrow a piece of paper?” was his oh-so-smooth opening line, and so began a school year full of shameless flirting. But I had a boyfriend who I just couldn’t let go of at the time, so the flirting stayed friendly and eventually tapered off when spring came and this cute Canadian hockey player was in class less and less and then all of the sudden he just stopped being there at all. Of course this was because playoffs were over and he had gone home for the summer. I had almost gotten him out of my head when the next school year started and I saw him with some of his friends at lunch and he looked even better than I remembered. Six months, more shameless flirting, and one break up later, we started casually dating. Another month after that we were official…just in time for playoffs. I lived in Washington and he is from Manitoba so I knew that once his team lost out of playoffs he would leave for the summer. I had no idea how hard goodbye would be or how hard a long distance relationship would be, I wasn’t even sure we would last. The goodbye was hard. The summer apart was miserable. We didn’t see each other for four months, but we lasted. And here we are still together four years later.

                I can honestly say I was not overly optimistic going into that summer and really had no idea what I was getting myself into. That summer ended up being a pretty hard time for me with my family, and he was there for me the whole time even from 2,000 miles away. We made it through the summer even though I wasn’t able to go visit him and when he came back in August for training camp things were better than ever.

                We have been together for almost four years now and up until this school year we have been lucky enough to spend every hockey season in the same place and only four summers apart (with me coming to visit every June or July- I love Canada!). Of course we have had our issues (trust issues mostly) and about a million and one fights but we’re making it work. Trust is one of the biggest issues in long distance relationships, and it is definitely our biggest problem. A little over a year into our relationship, the second summer we spent apart, my boyfriend met a slut at the bar one night and made a stupid choice (gag me). I didn’t find out about it until almost a year later and broke up with him (duh). For about a month I screamed at him and cried and tried my best to hate him with every ounce of myself until I calmed down enough to listen to him. I decided to give him a second chance because people DO make mistakes and they can learn from them. And it was obvious he was hurting too (like crying in the locker room before pracy type hurting or so say his teammates) so I decided we might be able to work it out. We did work it out. It’s been almost two years since I found out and we have had our rough patches but we really are better than I could have ever imagined. Some people tell me that I’m an idiot for forgiving him and that people can’t change. But he is proof that people can change and learn from their mistakes because he isn’t the same guy that he was then and I know that. And trust me, it made me crazy enough that I would have found out if he had done it again. But let me tell you, long distance is hard enough until you mix in trust issues. That’s when you get a whole mess of crazy.

                I’ve seen distance ruin even the best of relationships, so when people hear about me and my boyf and what we’ve been through they always ask what our secret is. There is no secret but there are things that make being part a little bit easier even on the worst of days.

                I go to school in Arizona; my boyfriend goes to school in Prince Edward Island. There are exactly 3,330 miles and a three-hour time difference between us. We are almost complete opposites, so much so that on paper you would probably never think we were compatible. But it’s like he is my other half, he completes me and makes me a better person. Being without him is hard and not knowing when I will see him next is even harder. So that’s my first tip, plan your trips to see each other as soon as you can. It gives you something to look forward to instead of being sad because you miss him so much. As cheesy as it sounds, even though you are one day further from the last time you saw each other, you are one day closer to the next time you’ll be together again.

                There are times when you just can’t plan a trip to see each other any time soon because of busy schedules or overpriced plane tickets (I’m talking to you Air Canada). Right now, I don’t know when I will see my boyfriend next. So on the days when I miss him more than usual, I think of all our best times that we have had together and think of how great it will feel when we do finally get to see each other again. I hold on to our memories and look forward to making new ones. But when that doesn’t work, FaceTime and Skype can always make me feel a little better. Because we are three hours different in time zones (four when it isn’t daylight savings) and we both have busy schedules some days we don’t get to talk very much so we will have dates over FaceTime. Every so often, we will pick a meal on a day when we both have about an hour or so of time and we eat together over FaceTime and act like it’s a real date. It sounds silly but it makes you feel connected even from miles apart. You both slow down for a bit and just forget about being apart for that hour.

                Now as much as I love my boyfriend, he drives me crazy sometimes. Seriously, like insane. And like I mentioned before we are polar opposites so him driving me crazy is to be expected. But to top that off, I have trust issues. When it comes to fighting, we are pros. We can scrap like you’ve never seen before. I am also really, really good at holding grudges. I’m working on that. But when we fight, even over little things it always gets blown out of proportion. The best thing you can do when it comes to fights, no matter how big or small, is to take a step back and calm down. Don’t talk to each other until you’ve cooled off and you can talk about whatever caused the fight rationally. You can avoid saying things you don’t mean out of anger and making things worse. Obviously this is way easier said than done. So when you do blow up at each other, say you’re sorry. Because your relationship is more important than your pride, trust me on that.

                Undoubtedly, everyone in an LDR will experience trust issues at some point. And in my experience (which is A LOT) it’s best to calmly talk about it and to keep the accusations to a minimum. Starting off with an accusation is a really, really good way to make him mad and to start a fight. As hard as it is, you have to follow your heart and be reasonable at the same time. Have a little faith in love but don’t let yourself be a doormat. But people screw up and you have to be smart. The first time can be called a mistake depending on the circumstances but the second time it’s a choice. Respect yourself and make sure he respects you. It’s a two-way street though so if you expect him to be faithful and respect you, you have to give him the same in return. When you don’t live in the same place, trust is the only thing you’ve got to go on to make it work.

                I’ve seen a few LDRs get ruined by a lot of different things; cheating, excessive fighting, no trust, not being able to be apart, but those are all to be expected. Something that you wouldn’t expect to see ruin a relationship is getting too eager to plan for the future. When you set overly high expectations too soon, you can just be setting yourself up for disappointment. Talking about being together in the future is awesome and can make you feel good but it can also create an unnecessary sense of urgency and it can make you hate the time that you spend apart. If you really love each other and are really meant to be together, you will be. Just be patient. Find out who you are on your own before you try to build a life together. The time apart may seem long, but if you’re going to be together for the rest of your lives--you can wait another year or so. Because the rest of your life is a very long time and it will put the short time that you spent apart to shame. And honestly, the time apart will make you stronger; not just as a couple but as individuals. What is meant to be will be.

                When you’re a hockey girlfriend in the same place as your boyf, you know how temperamental they can be when it comes to their career. My least favorite time of year was playoffs, not just because when they were over he would be leaving but also because of his ridiculous pre-game superstitions that were like an ALL THE TIME THING. Oh and the playoff hair/beard situation. Last year it was bleach blonde hair, the year before it was all black and my boyf is always a huge fan of the mullet. But of course I was supportive and even dyed his hair for him. But not being together during hockey season is an issue because it’s a little harder to be supportive from so far away. I like to do nice things like send him care packages with his fave things that he can’t get where he lives and time them with stressful times in his schedule. He got suspended earlier this season (ps, he totes didn’t deserve to be suspended) but I surprised him by booking a plane ticket to spend New Years together. Now obvi, that was a little over the top but it was his Christmas present as well and I was feeling romantic and financially irresponsible. But do your best to be supportive even from far away in any way you can!

                We do our best to make each other feel special and make each other happy even from far away. One of the only personality traits we have in common is that we are both complete goof balls so we are big fans of making each other laugh by reminding each other of fun times together or telling stupid jokes or sending each other pictures of things we see throughout our days to make the other person laugh. We try to stay connected even though we are so far apart. He’s my best friend and has been there for me through a lot of hard times. He was there to hold my hand when my mom lost her battle to cancer. He has let me cry on his shoulder when I can’t handle not having her here or when my life gets too overwhelming.  So I do the same for him, I am there to listen to him when he gets mad about hockey or stressed about school (he isn’t very scholarly) and I do anything I can to make his day better. We make sure to talk about things when we are bothered and we are honest with each other, even when it’s something we probably don’t want to hear; like when he tells me he doesn’t really want to hear about the fifth pair of shoes I’ve bought this week. Rude! But for real, honesty is important. Like the most important thing. It builds trust and it gets any problem out in the open so that they don’t build up over time until you blow up at each other.

                As hard as it is to be away from the one you love just remember that love is powerful. You can make it work if you both try hard and want it enough and even if it doesn’t work out, just know that it was an experience that you can learn from and use to make yourself better. But when you’re having a rough day, remember nothing beats a girls night…wine, food, shopping, etc. Enjoy your time together; take as many pictures as you can because they can help you through the rough times. Say you’re sorry and forgive as much as possible. Be faithful and respectful and make sure that you get the same in return. Dating a hockey player isn’t easy-especially in college- but if you’re still together now, it’s probably worth it. Distance is hard but you can do it. If me and my man can make it through everything we have been through, then so can you and yours. Good luck girls, stay strong and you can totes email me if you need advice!!

“Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It is for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It is for those who know a good thing when they see it, even if they don’t see it nearly enough.”

XOXO

-Peyton aka @p_townn33

{4 year veteran hockey gf

Somewhat LDR expert}

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